Self-Reliance—Ralph Waldo Emerson’s classic essay is a beacon for all of us who want to be told it’s perfectly fine (actually, essential!) to do our own thing and ignore the haters. Emerson, in his signature style, lays it all out for us: stop trying to fit in, stop relying on the approval of others, and most importantly, stop pretending you’re something you’re not. Authenticity is the name of the game, people. And, if Emerson were alive today, he’d probably be waving his transcendentalist flag with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer, rolling his eyes at the performative “wokeness” of our modern era.
Now, I’m no Emerson, but as a mother of nine, let me tell you, I know a thing or two about the importance of self-reliance. You simply cannot manage a household full of kids ranging from toddler to thirtysomething by being a shrinking violet or worrying about what everyone thinks of you. Heck, I barely had time to shower some days, let alone pretend to be someone I’m not. So, Emerson’s words about living authentically? Preach, Ralph. Preach.
Emerson and the Cult of Authenticity
Let’s get to the heart of Self-Reliance: Emerson was the original proponent of the “you do you” philosophy, though he said it in a much fancier, 19th-century kind of way. He championed the individual—believing that the more we trust our inner voice and stop caring about external validation, the happier and more fulfilled we’ll be. In his words:
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
And if he saw the world now? Oh boy. Let’s just say the “greatest accomplishment” might be even more challenging to pull off today. Because if the internet, social media, and the pressure to be “woke” have taught us anything, it’s that the temptation to be anything but your authentic self is at an all-time high. Everywhere you turn, someone is showing off their new, shiny virtues—perfectly curated for likes, retweets, and the occasional viral moment.
Emerson vs. Modern-Day Virtue Signaling
Don’t get me wrong—I’m all for people standing up for what they believe in. Teach your kids to be compassionate, kind, and aware of the world around them. But Emerson wouldn’t have been fooled by the faux-virtue showboating that’s rampant in today’s world. In fact, he would have had a field day calling it out.
Modern “wokeness,” as we’ve come to know it, often encourages people to look virtuous rather than be virtuous. And Emerson would’ve seen right through it. Why? Because he had no patience for what he called “conformity” and the mindless need to fit in, especially at the expense of genuine thought and action. He believed in integrity—real, sometimes challenging, often inconvenient integrity. Not Instagram-friendly integrity.
As he said in Self-Reliance:
“What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think.”
In today’s language, that roughly translates to: stop caring so much about what people on the internet think of your opinions and start living out your values in authentic, meaningful ways—quietly, consistently, and without all the fanfare.
I love a good social media post as much as the next mom, but I also know that doing the work (you know, the difficult, absolutely NOT glamorous work of living out your values) is a whole different ball game. Take parenting, for example. Raising my nine kids has taught me that doing what’s right for them is rarely Instagrammable. It’s saying no to the easy way out and yes to the messy, real-life stuff that doesn’t come with likes or applause.
The Power of Quiet Virtue
One of my kids, Trick, has this dry sense of humor that catches you off guard. Most people don’t expect him to crack a joke because he’s so serious on the outside, but it’s sharp and right on the money when he does. He doesn’t perform for others. He doesn’t seek the spotlight. And in a way, I think Emerson would appreciate his quiet confidence. Trick knows who he is—he’s not trying to make sure everyone sees his “goodness” on display. He just quietly goes about being who he is, and when people notice, it’s because it’s real.
That’s the kind of virtue Emerson was talking about. The kind that doesn’t care about public approval but instead grows from a deep well of internal confidence. The kind that doesn’t need to shout from the rooftops about how “woke” it is but instead acts with kindness, honesty, and consistency because that’s simply the right thing to do.
Lessons for Us All: Emerson’s Challenge
If Ralph Waldo Emerson were parenting alongside me today, he’d probably say the same thing to the world that I often remind my kids (and myself): focus less on the performance and more on the real work of becoming. Don’t let the world tell you what you need to be in order to be “good” or “virtuous.” Instead, look inward, trust yourself, and act accordingly—because true virtue doesn’t require an audience.
I think Emerson’s challenge to all of us would be this: are you living your truth, or are you just performing it? Are you showing off your virtues, or are you quietly embodying them? His essay reminds us that self-reliance is about rejecting the need for external approval and instead listening to the voice inside that knows what’s right for you.
So, go ahead—be brave enough to be yourself. Stand up for what you believe in, not because it looks good, but because it is good. And remember, as Emerson said:
“Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.”
And in a world that’s constantly telling us how to think, act, and even post on social media, that’s a pretty refreshing thought, don’t you think?
Action Steps:
- Live Your Values Quietly: Pick one value that matters to you (like kindness or honesty) and focus on practicing it in small, everyday actions. Don’t worry about whether anyone notices—just do it for yourself.
- Trust Your Gut: The next time you face a decision, pause and check in with your gut feeling. Act on what feels right for you, even if it’s not the popular choice. Let this be your guide, not what others expect.
- Take One Action Without Posting: Try doing one good deed or taking one stand that aligns with your beliefs without sharing it on social media or telling others. Let it be your own private act of integrity.