Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s How Do I Love Thee? is all about grand declarations of love—the kind that reaches across eternity, binding two souls together in undying devotion. And sure, I could write a list of all the reasons I love Matt, but if I’m being honest, love right now looks a lot more like patience, and sometimes a lot like frustration. These days, we’re not writing love sonnets to each other; we’re more likely to be trying to get through another argument without losing our minds. It’s not romantic, but it’s real.
Matt and I are in a season where things feel tough. We’re fighting more, mostly because, let’s face it, communication has become a serious issue. He’s a travel nurse, gone for days at a time, and when he’s home, it’s like we’re living in different worlds. I’m here, working full-time, remodeling our house, trying to keep everything afloat, and Matt…well, he tends to retreat. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to talk, and when he does, it feels like we’re speaking two different languages. Barrett Browning may have had her poetic love, but I’m over here trying to remember what it feels like to be on the same page with my husband.
Love in the Tension: Trying to Connect When You’re Miles Apart
Being married to a travel nurse means there’s a constant physical distance, but what’s been harder lately is the emotional distance. Matt and I used to be able to connect—maybe not always perfectly, but enough to make it work. Now, with him away so often and communication becoming more strained, I feel like we’re drifting. I try to share what’s going on with me—the renovations, work, life—but most of the time, I get silence in return. And when he does talk, it’s practical stuff, like what needs fixing or how his job’s going. The deeper conversations? Not so much.
So, how do I love him through this? Well, I guess it’s a mix of patience, perseverance, and sometimes just plain stubbornness. I love him by holding on, even when we’re not seeing eye-to-eye. I love him by trying to stay open to communication, even when it feels like every conversation is a struggle. It’s not easy, and sometimes I wonder if we’re ever going to get back to the place where things felt smoother. But love isn’t always smooth, is it? Sometimes it’s rocky, messy, and filled with tension, and right now, that’s where we are.
Renovating a House, Renovating a Marriage
As if dealing with distance and communication issues weren’t enough, I’m also in the middle of remodeling our house—basically by myself. While Matt is off working, I’m here, tearing down walls, fixing things, and trying to make our home into something that feels like ours. But I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t sometimes feel like I’m doing it for me, because these days, it’s hard to know if we’re building this life together or just trying to survive in it.
The renovations have become a metaphor for our relationship in a way. I’m putting in the work, hoping that eventually, all the pieces will come together, but right now, it’s messy and incomplete. There are days when I feel like I’m building a house and rebuilding a marriage at the same time—and neither project is going as smoothly as I’d hoped.
Still, I keep going. Because that’s what love is sometimes, right? It’s sticking with it, even when you’re tired and frustrated. It’s hoping that eventually, things will get better—that the house will feel like home, and the marriage will feel more like a partnership again.
How Do I Love Thee? By Holding On, Even When It’s Hard
Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s sonnet is all about love that transcends challenges, but for me, right now, love is about holding on through the challenges. I love Matt, even when we’re not communicating well. I love him, even when I’m frustrated with how distant he’s become. I love him by not giving up on us, even when it feels like the distance is winning.
It’s not the kind of love that gets written about in poetry—at least not the romantic kind. But it’s real. It’s gritty, raw, and sometimes downright painful. But underneath all that frustration, there’s still love. And I guess that’s what I’m counting on: that even through the arguments, the silence, and the missed connections, we can find our way back to each other.
Three Actionable Takeaways
- Be Honest About the Struggle: It’s okay to admit when things are tough. Love isn’t always perfect, and acknowledging that you’re struggling can be the first step to working through it together.
- Keep the Lines of Communication Open: Even when it feels hard, try to keep talking. Find small ways to connect, even if the conversations aren’t deep or meaningful at first. Sometimes just staying in touch is enough to remind each other you’re still in this together.
- Give Yourself (and Each Other) Grace: It’s easy to get frustrated when things aren’t going well, but try to give yourself—and your partner—grace. Relationships go through rough patches, and sometimes patience and kindness are the most loving things you can offer.